My Mum’s funeral takes place today. I won’t be there. There are many reasons for this, but prominent amongst them is who I am
While Mum was supportive of my transition, she was also careful who she told, because not everyone reacts well to such things. There may be people at the funeral who don’t know, and to whom my presence will come as a shock. There will also be people there who do know and are disturbed by me. The possibility of drama is non-zero, and I’d prefer to avoid that if I can.
I’m OK with this. For years I expected that I’d be told that I wasn’t welcome at the funeral, and I’ve had time to get used to the idea. The situation now is more difficult. There will be people who think I have a duty to attend, no matter what, as well as people who think I have a duty to stay away. I’ll upset someone either way, but at least by not being there I’ll avoid the possibility of having my day ruined.
This does not mean that I won’t be marking the day. I’m not entirely sure what the service will be like, but I’m posting a few things that are close to what will happen. Sorry about the ads., but that’s YouTube for you. I’ll be doing other things to remember Mum in due course.
If I can help somebody – Mahalia Jackson
When I am dead, my dearest – Christina Rossetti
We’ll keep a welcome – Sir Harry Secombe & Morriston Choir
My thoughts are with you today.
And as a mother I say I rather would see my daughter spending a fine day with friends, having a tasty meal with rich wine and sweet cakes and having a long walk in the sunshine, instead of my funerals (especially if there would not be a lots of whisky, short and witty speeches, loud music and good shared memories).
love,
ipa
Sad as it is, I think you are making the right decision. You said your goodbyes while caring for her in those last days. You don’t deserve to have your last memories of your mother tainted by ignorant people’s small minded opinions. I grieve with you on your loss and I hope that time will bring surcease from pain and sadness.
Hugs,
Martha
Thinking of you.
I’m always left speechless in situations like this, but we’re all thinking of you.
As long as you and your mother were happy with each other.
It’s not what every mother and daughter get to say about each other, that they understood each other. It’s wonderful that you and her did have a good bond.
I can’t imagine the drama that’s going to be involved when my biological mother dies. It’s gonna be epic, and I’ve no idea how it will pan out until it happens.
Funerals are the traditional repository of bad behaviour in families.
Choosing to pass on by and leave the drama to others is a really good choice.
I’ll light a candle for you both, tomorrow.
Today, sorry. Have just lit two candles.
My heart is with you. Say farewell as you best can.
Thanks folks, your good wishes are much appreciated.
Cheryl, I’m so sorry–I’ve been so wrapped up in my own stuff, I didn’t know that your mother had passed away.
Consider yourself hugged from here in North London.
As a mother myself, I can say with utter certainty that if you were my child, I would be proud of the woman you are. As your friend, I’m proud to know you.