As I’m doing all of the seasonal nonsense I might as well go the whole hog. What was I doing this time ten years ago? Writing Emerald City, of course. Issue #52 was out in time for the Solstice, and included my own take on the Millennium, a tongue-in-cheek broadcast from Anglo Saxon Chronicle TV on the eve of the year 1000. Here it is again (safely under the cut for the benefit of those who value their sanity.)
Sick to death of the Millenni-yawn? Well thank whatever Gods that you worship that you were not around last time it happened. You don’t think it could have been worse? My dear, you do not know the half of it. But you will, because thanks to the miracles of Science Fiction we are able to take you live to ASC TV (that’s Anglo Saxon Chronicle to you acronym watchers) who are covering events in England and throughout Europe as we approach the year 1000.
We go first to ace reporter Kate Adled whom we find covering strange goings on in Germany.
“I am speaking to you today from the walls of the town of Erfurt. Below me, encamped around the walls, are some 3,000 members of the sect known as the Flagellant Brethren who are demanding entrance. Like me, many of the people of the town have been up here on the walls this morning gazing in amazement at the scenes of extreme piety, penitence and self-mutilation taking place below us as the Flagellants perform their rituals.”
“The Flagellant pilgrims, all of them men, have arrived here from all over Southern Germany. They have been on the road for thirty-three and a half days, the exact time, of course, that our Lord Jesus Christ spent on Earth following his Resurrection. Early this morning, to the accompaniment of much loud singing and prayer, they began their own peculiar form of worship. They took off most of their clothes, leaving only a long skirt reaching from the waist to their feet. Then they marched in a circle and, one by one, threw themselves on their faces and lay motionless with their arms stretched out in the form of a crucifix. Those coming behind beat the prostate bodies with whips and scourges before throwing themselves to the floor. When all of the worshippers were prone, their leader gave a signal and each man rose to his feet, beating himself with his own scourge until the blood ran freely down his back. Many of the scourges are studded with sharp iron spikes, and the damage that the flagellants have done to themselves is so horrific that we are not permitted to show it in this broadcast.”
“I have with me the Mayor of Erfurt who has refused the Flagellants permission to pass through the gates. Your Lordship, surely such pious people would be an example to the good citizens of your town. Why have you denied them entry?”
Mayor: “Well to start with they claim that their self-mutilation can absolve them from sin without the intercession of a priest. I don’t need my friend the Bishop’s advice to know that that is heresy, and I have no desire to be excommunicated. Furthermore, the Flagellants have made it known that they are on a Holy Crusade to wipe out all Jews. Our Jewish community provides vital money-lending services to many local businesses here in Erfurt, including my own, and I will not see them persecuted by a bunch of fanatics who have no official religious sanction.”
“Thank you, Your Lordship. Now I see that the leader of the Flagellants has arrived in the city to negotiate with you. Can I try to get a quick word with him before you get started?”
Mayor (grinning): “I’d be delighted if you approached him.”
“Thank you. Excuse me, Herr Schmid, Kate Adled of Anglo Saxon Chronicle News, may I have a word with you?”
Schmid: “Aiiee, what Spawn of Satan is this you have brought before me? ‘Tis a filthy, polluted Woman! My Sacred Purity has been tainted by her Evil Presence! I must cleanse myself immediately!” (Rushes out of the town, whipping himself as he goes and calling on his followers to begin a fresh round of devotions.)
Mayor: “Good, that’s them out of the way for another couple of hours. Pint of ale, anyone?”
We now move to a secret location somewhere in Paris where the ASC’s chief political correspondent, David Bumblebee, is conducting a very special interview.
Bumblebee: “I am here today to talk to one of the most controversial figures in Europe, a man who is the intellectual leader of one of the most feared Millennarian cults of our time, the Amaurites. It is rumoured that he is a lecturer at the University of Paris, but we know him only by the pseudonym of William Aurifex. We are, of course, unable to show you his face, but you can hear his voice. Monsieur Aurifex, your name, I believe, means ‘goldsmith’, would I be right in suspecting that this is a reference to Alchemy?”
Aurifex: “You would indeed. Though the common people believe that Alchemy is simply a means of transforming base metals into gold, amongst the learned it is known also to be a discipline of spiritual transformation.”
Bumblebee: “How has that helped you?”
Aurifex: “Well, we are now at the beginning of the Third Age of Mankind. First there was the Age of the Father, which we know from the Old Testament. Then there was the Age of the Son, in which we are currently living. Shortly will begin the Age of the Spirit. Some of the most pious amongst mankind have been chosen to usher in this New Age and guide our fellow beings towards Enlightenment.
Bumblebee: “And you believe that your system of devotions has succeeded in transmuting your soul to a state of total purity?”
Aurifex: “I do.”
Bumblebee: “Has that brought you closer to God?”
Aurifex: “More than that, it has enabled me to become God.”
Bumblebee: “You are God?”
Aurifex: “I am God. And you can become God as well if you choose to become one of my disciples.”
Bumblebee: “I see. And what differences have you noticed in your life since you became God?”
Aurifex: “The most significant difference is that I am now totally free of all mortal sin. My body is now simply a base container for the divine being that I have become. I can do with it whatever I wish without sin.”
Bumblebee: “And that includes fornication?”
Aurifex: “Most certainly.”
Bumblebee: “I can see why your teachings are so popular with the young men of the University.”
Aurifex: “Oh, not only the young men. You see, the great piety of the French people means that many of our young men take holy orders and become celibate. Furthermore our gallantry means that many others die in the wars. This leaves a great number of unattached women who are denied the right of holy matrimony. Many such women are only too eager to partake of the spiritual blessings that result from sexual communion with God.”
Bumblebee: “How did you say I could join up?”
The scene switches now to the far west of Cornwall where the ASC Natural History Unit is searching for a very special creature. The presenter, of course, is David Attenburrow.
“Hello. You join us here as we prepare for an event that the natural world will see but once a Millennium. I speak, of course, of the arrival of the Great Beast of the Book of Revelation. Our Holy Scriptures tell us that it will arise out of the sea. We know that it is a creature of prodigious size, perhaps too large to swim through the narrow confines of anything but the great ocean that surrounds the world. And so it is here, at Land’s End, that theologians expect the Great Beast to make landfall in England. We aim to be here to capture that moment.”
“But whilst we are waiting for this exciting event, what can the Scriptures tell us about this unique animal. We know, for example, that it has seven heads and ten horns. It has the body of a leopard, the feet of a bear, and the mouth of a lion. Why? What special purpose do these features have that make it better suited to fulfil its role in the coming Apocalypse? Which of its heads has the mouth of a lion, or do they all do so? These are some of the questions that we hope to answer as the Beast comes to shore.”
“To assist us in answering these questions, I am delighted to have with me Bishop Patrick Muir, the renowned authority in all matters astrological. Bishop Patrick, welcome.”
“Delighted to be here, David, and I must say we are all quite thrilled to be here for this fabulous once in a lifetime event.”
“Yes indeed. None of us will ever have seen anything like this before.”
“Or will again, David. The Scriptures are quite clear about that. The Beast will slay all who stand before Him. We are utterly doomed. There’s no doubt about it.”
“Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Now, what about those seven heads? How do you think those horns will be distributed?”
“Well, to be honest with you David, we don’t know. Of course as theologians we can make some very educated guesses. From numerology it is obvious that some heads will have more than one horn. We can point, for example, to the chimaera of ancient Greece which had three heads and, to the best of our knowledge, five horns. But it really depends on those mouths. Do all seven heads have the mouth of a lion? If so, are the entire heads leonine, in which case the horns might be somewhere else entirely. It is getting the answers to questions like this that will make this moment so exciting.”
“Thank you, Bishop. Like you, I am absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to witness this amazing event. All we can do now is sit and wait and hope that the world ends on cue. Back now to the studio.”
Finally we return to the studio in London where Jeremy the Axeman will ask two prominent local politicians for their views on the impending crisis.
Axeman: I have with me today Mr. Tony Blur of the Viking Party and Mr. William Vague of the Saxon Party. Mr. Blur, if I may turn to you first, is it true that some of your followers do not believe in the coming Apocalypse.
Blur: That is absolutely untrue. We Vikings have been Christianised for centuries. We have absolute faith in the power of the Church. It is possible that my colleague Mr. Pressedgut may have referred to the coming Millennium as Ragnarrok in a moment of absent-mindedness, but that should not be taken as indicative of party policy.
Axeman: How do you think England should prepare itself for the forthcoming end of the world?
Blur: I think closer ties with Europe are essential. I have already helped us develop close relationships with our friends in Scandinavia and we are busy forging links, and other forms of armour, in collaboration with the forces of Vikingism elsewhere in Europe. We have a particularly forward-thinking colony in Normandy which I think could be of great benefit to England in the future.
Axeman: What sort of benefits do you forsee?
Blur: Co-operation is the key. Think of the great projects we could undertake as a Europe united under Viking rule! I mean, look at what happens now. Lief Ericson discovers Vinland, but he doesn’t have the finance needed to found a proper colony. It could be centuries before we are able to mount another expedition. In the meantime the poor Vinlanders continue to exist in unenlightened savagery. Do you know they are so primitive that they worship a god in the form of a mouse!
Axeman: How about the rumours of a plan to apply to join the Holy Roman Empire?
Blur: The idea has a lot of merit, Jeremy. Think, after all, of our glorious Imperial past, of such figures as Vespasian, Constantine and Arthur. Since the Romans left 600 years of Saxon rule have reduced us all to living in mud huts with no hypocausts and no hot water supply.
Axeman: Emperor Henry IV is a German and he is rumoured to be opposed to English entry.
Blur: I haven’t ruled out the possibility of rape and pillage as an alternative membership strategy.
Axeman: And how do you see England’s future once the Heavenly Host has descended.
Blur: Very promising. My soothsayer has been prophesying some of the Blessings which shall be bestowed upon us in the Millennium to come. He predicts wagons that move without oxen to pull them and tapestries on which the figures move and tell stories. Best of all, the Spanish are going to invent something called an Inquisition which allows politicians to torture and kill anyone who dares to disagree with them. I could do with that right now.
Axeman: Is that a reference to Ken the Red?
Blur: I categorically deny that I have any berserkers in my army, I mean party.
Axeman: Mr. Vague, if I may turn to you, do you agree that the English have the best chance of Salvation if we have closer ties with Europe.
Vague: It is utter rubbish, Jeremy. I’ve never heard so much nonsense in all my life. What we should do is what we have always done. And by that I mean we should cleave to the teachings of Saint Margaret of Finchley in whose Blessed Footsteps I am unworthy to follow, even crawling and abasing myself as I do now.
Axeman: Are those the marks of a Flagellant’s whip I see on your back?
Vague: No sir, that is just where my friend Mr. Portabello suggested a fun new game involving studded leather, chains and a ceiling-mounted holy water sprinkler.
Axeman: Mr. Blair says that England has gone to the dogs since we severed our ties with Rome.
Vague: Dog racing is a fine Saxon tradition. I’ve often hankered after owning a wolfhound or two myself but my wife says Jack Russells are more my size. Sadly, much of the revenue gained from taxing gambling on such races has gone towards that ridiculous Great Hall that Mr. Mandelsshon is building in Greenwich, which, by the way, I am reliably informed is an exact scale replica of the pagan feasting hall of Valhalla.
Axeman: It is a figure of speech. “Gone to the dogs”. It means that our country is not as glorious at it was under the Romans.
Vague: What rubbish! We Saxons have covered ourselves in glory. Look at Alfred the Great. Look at the Venerable Bede. Look at Ethelred the Unready. He is a personal hero of mine with whom I feel great spiritual kinship.
Axeman: But we don’t have hypocausts or a hot water supply in our houses, do we.
Vague: I should hope not. I have no objection to the odd foreign trader, or even immigrant, but there are some vile European customs to which the English shall never bow. There can be no compromise on this. I swear to you that while there is breath in my body the English people shall never again be forced to bathe.
Some, but perhaps not all, of the above, was inspired by reading a thoroughly excellent history of the first Millennium. Truly, dear readers, we have been here before. The only difference is that the Medievals, being somewhat hazy on matters calendrical, but unwavering in their belief in the immanence of the Apocalypse, assumed that when nothing disastrous happened they had simply got the date wrong. They kept on anticipating and preparing for the Millennium for several hundred years after it had actually happened. Now there’s a scary thought.