I’ve been hearing even more whingeing than usual on this trip back to the UK. Most of it has come from cricket commentators. It is apparently not fair that India should have a high profile Twenty20 tournament when England doesn’t. And it is not fair that Manchester should be denied the right to hold test matches simply because their ground exposes the poor spectators to all of the vagaries of the local weather while newer grounds like Cardiff and Southampton have invested heavily in good facilities. Because cricket is a game played mainly by the upper classes (state schools generally don’t give kids the chance to play the game) it isn’t surprising to find that cricket people are a conservative bunch who think than if something has happened in the past it should always happen in the future, just because it is traditional.

This morning, however, UK newspapers are full of the same sort of nonsense over the Eurovision Song Contest. It is, apparently, not fair that the Russians should win. Those nasty Eastern European types all vote for each other and not for us. And it is not fair that the UK should finish last, even though most people seem to have agreed well in advance that the UK entry was hopeless. It is time, they suggest, for Western Europe to secede from Eurovision and set up its own song contest: one that Western countries will always win, just like they used to before they let a bunch of foreigners into the competition. (Here, as examples, are The Times and the BBC.)

Aw, c’mon. Firstly, Eurovision has always been a jingoistic nonsense. Before Eastern Europe joined in it tended to be a bit of a North v South affair (which the French, Italians, Spanish and Portuguese generally lost because they could never get past their love of overly-emotional ballads). If the UK always used to do well, that just meant that it happened to be in with the majority. Now it isn’t. Get over it.

Furthermore, of all the stupid things to get nationalistic about, why Eurovision? As the great John McEnroe used to say, “you cannot be serious, man.”

Look, if the Russians and their pals want to win Eurovision, that’s fine with me. Though I hope very much that the rest of Eastern Europe insists on getting a fair share of the spoils over the year. In the meantime, I want the West to engage in a little cultural imperialism of a different sort. I think we should stay in the contest, and vote resolutely for the Eastern European entry that gets the highest score on our gaydar. Let them compete amongst themselves, but make it it clear that we’ll support the countries that make the best show of looking open and inclusive and liberal. That will give them something to think about.

And if you think this is entirely a joke, I point you at this article that talks about how the Israelis have decided to require their contestants to have served in the military, a rule that would have excluded one of their three winners, Dana International.