Throughout the past week British newspapers have been full or articles from prominent left-wing intellectuals explaining how a vicious and violent campaign of bullying and censorship by the “powerful trans lobby” has prevented them from expressing their views in public. Clearly that is horrific enough, but yesterday further news of the perfidy of trans people was revealed — by none other than The Pope.

Some of you may remember that Pope Ratty declared that trans people were a bigger threat to the planet than climate change. Not to be outdone, his successor, Pope Francis, has compared trans people to nuclear weapons.

Of course it is all true. We cannot tell a lie. The picture above shows technicians in the Secret Trans Cabal’s Volcano Lair preparing a Gender Bomb for launch. The exact contents of the bomb are still classified, but I do know that it will contain music videos from a forthcoming Beyoncé biopic starring Laverne Cox.

Further details of the Trans Cabal’s evil plans will be revealed next week in the New Statesman. In order to help you follow the story as it unfolds, here are some of the key members of the Cabal.

Maximum Leader Rozario Kavenikova pictured at a recent military parade.

Sarah Brown prepares for another vicious character assassination of a prominent left-wing intellectual.

Christine Burns directs political campaigns from behind the scenes.

Paris Lees prepares to seduce another BBC executive.

CN Lester and their new thrash sonata band, Gendarok.

Artist’s impression of Cheryl Morgan in her younger days (circa 1800 BCE).

Mentioning that horrible Woman’s Hour program in my Radio 4 post reminded me that Sarah Brown came across some really weird stuff online recently. It is a sort of pop-psychology test designed to tell whether you are a trans woman or not, but written by a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. It tells you a heck of a lot about how TERFs think, but very little about trans women.

There were a few questions I answered yes to; for example:

• Do you spend a lot of time online? (TERFs do, it is where they do most of their harassment)
• Do you want to be pretty? (Would have been nice, bit late now.)
• Have you attended a male-only educational facility? (Not my fault, I hated it.)

There were a lot of questions that rather suggested that the author had read Triton and assumed that all trans women were like Bron:

• Do women really “have it all”?
• Are feminists whiney bitches?
• Do women have no right to speak on the topic of gender?
• Have you always known you were very angry for some reason and it was women’s fault somehow?
• Tired of no one noticing what a Special Person you are?

There were also quite a few that clearly came from odd stereotypes of the sort of man the author thinks would claim to be a trans woman:

• Have you been in the military?
• Have you been in prison?
• Do you own more than three firearms?

There were one to two that betrayed a general hatred of femininity:

• Do you celebrate the cultural subordination rituals (“femininity”) that are forced onto females?
• Do you have a phoenix or butterfly tattoo?

And finally there was some genuine WTFery:

• Do you have a successful STEM career? (‘Cos that proves you are a man, right? Real women can’t do science.)
• Long time Dungeons and Dragons shaman of undecided loyalty? Or whatever the fuck?
• Are you an identical twin?

I’m sure that an actual psychologist could have a field day with it. You can find the whole list of questions here.

By the way, I did also click through and do that COGIATI test that Sarah mentions. I came out as only borderline trans, mainly because the test was stuffed full of gender-essentialist questions about how good you are at reading emotions (surely a learned skill), good navigation skills, and inability to do maths, all of which were assumed to be firm indicators of true femininity.