In a statement made from a hidden volcano base in the South Pacific, the Secret Trans Cabal has denied that it purchased a controlling share in CNN in order to have Piers Morgan’s show on the TV channel axed.

At a press conference in New York the tearful Morgan (14) had alleged that wealthy trans activists, angry about his treatment of Janet Mock, had bought up shares in the media company and bullied the board of CNN into dropping his show with terrorist threats, including the possible use of girl cooties against male board members.

Morgan (who was born a boy and is rumored to have remained one) angrily denied suggestions that he did not have the balls to go up against the MSNBC show hosted by lesbian anchor, Rachel Maddow. “Whether or not I have undergone puberty has no bearing on my ability to do my job,” said Morgan after several minutes sucking on a baby’s dummy to compose himself. “My private life should be allowed to remain private. It’s not fair that I should be treated in the same way that I treat my guests.”

Morgan also denied that his show had been cancelled because CNN was embarrassed by revelations that he had once been the editor of British tabloid newspaper. “I’m not ashamed of my past,” sobbed Morgan. “I did what I had to do because I needed the money. People have no idea how much lobster and bolly lunches cost these days. They should have more sympathy for oppressed minority groups such as me.”

In a separate statement the Secret Trans Cabal also denied 17 counts of having Julie Bindel dis-invited from feminist conferences.