As I reported last night, this year’s SMOFcon mixer event involved coming up with a filk song based around common complaints about conventions. Kevin posted his team’s efforts here. I’m not good at mixers, and I don’t write well under that sort of time pressure, but given a bit of time I can come up with filk lyrics.

The song is based on Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” (Wikipedia), which managed to be a hit in the UK as well even though hardly anyone there had any idea what summer camp was. I’m not totally happy with my version, but given that the original managed to rhyme “scare ya” with “malaria” I don’t feel to bad about some of my dodgy rhymes. Full version below the fold.

Hello public, hello fandom,
Here we are at this year’s Worldcon
Posting reports on LiveJournal
Telling everyone how much we hate the hotel

In the morning we drink lattes,
In the evening, there are parties,
In the con suite, we are eating,
But the one thing we’re not doing much is sleeping.

On the panels, pros are speaking,
They all have books, they are pimping.
Fans are getting rather surly,
Better tell the panel time’s up much too early.

This year’s art show’s very pretty.
Can’t afford it, such a pity.
For you see we’re all book lovers,
And the dealers’ room is full of new hardcovers.

Here’s Darth Vader, and there’s Buffy,
And a cat girl, soft and fluffy;
Just three members looking freaky,
You can bet which fans will get themselves on TV.

We’d all like to win a Hugo.
‘T’would be so good for the ego.
All we need is nomination,
And our fanzine has to get to publication.

Guest of honor isn’t here
And the bar is out of beer.
Con-com chair and wife aren’t speaking,
But at least the hotel sprinklers are not leaking.

After five days, we’re so sleepy
And the con-com’s getting weepy
You can bet we won’t appear
At a con again – until the same time next year.