During the Second World War us Brits (well, my ancestors, I’m not that old) did a lot of work preparing the country for a potential German invasion. One of the things we did was put up incorrect road signs so that bally Jerry would get lost trying to find his way through the twisty roads of the British countryside.

Our American friends seem to have learned from this. Kevin and I are in Kansas City. He’s here for SMOFcon, and I’m here to collect two more states. I’m hoping that I eventually be able to say that I am in Kansas, Toto, but for now I’m not, because Kansas City is in Missouri.

I’m assuming that things like this were done to confuse Communist spies because there are a lot of them spread about the country, most of which have been around for some time. Washington the city is not in Washington the state; West Texas is in California; and New Mexico is not in Mexico. However, it occurs to me that with the current concern about Muslim terrorists more could be done with this sort of tactic. Here are some suggestions.

1. New York, New York is just too easy a target. The city of New York will be relocated to a bunker in Montana so that the terrorists can’t find it. Due to financial considerations, most of the population and infrastructure will have to stay where it is. That city will be renamed Big Apple, and will promptly be sued by both The Beatles and Apple Computers.

2. Louisiana will be relocated under the Gulf of Mexico (this project is already underway).

3. North Dakota and South Dakota will swap names.

4. Cities called Mecca will built in all US states to so that the terrorists don’t know which way to face while praying. An exception will be made for New York State where the city will be called Macca as part of the settlement with The Beatles.

5. The soap opera, Dallas, will be relaunched with the same cast but with the characters, instead of being in the oil businesses, owning rival chains of pizza restaurants in Chicago. Bobby Ewing will be abducted by aliens while on a business trip to New York and wake up to find himself in a bunker in Montana.

6. Disneyland and Disneyworld will swap names, but no one will notice because no one can ever remember which is which.

7. Everyone over the age of 60 will be relocated from Florida to southern California. Surfer Dudes will be paid to hang around beaches in Florida pretending that they are waiting for a wave and/or a movie contract.

8. The San Francisco Bay Area will be renamed New New Delhi. No further action will be necessary, save that the new ballpark planned by the Oakland A’s in Fremont will turn out to have been built for cricket. The opening match will see the first ever test match between the USA and India and, much to the surprise of the US media, will sell out all five days. Big Apple will be renamed New Bangalore as part of the settlement with Apple Computers.

9. Area 51 will be sold to Disney and be redeveloped as a sci-fi adventure park. The secret base and the alien prisoners will be relocated to a casino in Las Vegas. No one will notice for five years, at which point people will start to wonder why that is the only casino in town that hasn’t been re-developed recently.

10. Seattle will be officially renamed The Emerald City. Washington State and Kansas will swap names.